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5 Common Myths About Mumps

Hi friends,

As many of you know, mumps may or may not be back on campus. Your neighborhood HealthPALs and HUHS are here to make sure people stay healthy, especially after visiting family and while preparing for finals. In order to help you stay safe and be informed, we present these Five Myths and Facts about Mumps: 

Harvard EMTs Pumped For Visitas

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Speaking after a recent meeting, local EMTs were thrilled that Visitas was less than a week away.

“Being an EMT is very rewarding, but sometimes it can get pretty dull,” explained Jenny Roberts, who has worked as a first-responder in the Harvard area for the last six years. “When we’re not responding to a call, we just sit in the back of the ambulance playing Settlers of Catan, so it’s always nice when we have a big event like Visitas that we know will give us something to do.”

Mumps Outbreak “Just a Prank, Bro”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a press conference this morning, Harvard University President Drew Faust announced that “the mumps outbreak plaguing the campus was just a prank this whole time." Faust, notorious for underperforming on April Fool’s Day, went all out this year, trying to come up with a plan that would redeem her for all past years. Faust stepped up to the podium, struggling to contain her jubilance, and managed to say “I got you so good!” before breaking into hysterical laughter for 3 straight minutes in front of a silent press. 

FROM THE ARCHIVES: Important Information Regarding Ye Cholericke Humours

Dear Scholars of Harvard College, 

We have now confirmed six cases of cholericke humours in the Harvard community, all of whom have been kept in isolation so that Ye Health Services of the College and the Massachusetts Bay Colony Department of Ill Spirits may ascertain whether they be caused by witchcraft.

Harvard Holds First Semi-Annual “Human Therapy” Fair

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Inspired by student-initiated discussion of mental health in regard to the "Harvard Condition” and previously successful “Pet Therapy” fairs, Harvard held its first semi-annual Human Therapy Fair in the Science Center Plaza last Friday.

UHS Distributes Cold Kits To Students Bleeding From Pores

In the wake of reports of Ebola in American cities, Harvard University Health Services has "stepped up its game in the fight against Ebola." 

According to UHS Chief Dr. Paul Barreira, UHS is now actively offering free Cold Kits to any students who report "soreness, congested sinuses, or bleeding from multiple orifices."

According to Barreira, the Cold Kits are meant to help provide a "first line of defense" against Ebola, a virus that "can really hamper both academic and extracurricular performance."