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Yale University to Offer Harvard Tours

Yale students gaze at Widener Library enviously.

Last Wednesday, the President of Yale University, Richard Charles Levin revealed that the Yale Office of Admissions will now be providing weekly transportation to Harvard’s Cambridge campus in order to provide tours to current Yalies.

“It’s for the best,” he said in his email blast last week. Signed with “Opa Gangam Style, Dick,” the missive sanctioned the Yale Pep Club to give student-led tours of Harvard.

Vladimir Griffin, a sophomore at the New Haven institution led the first tour of this week. Walking by Widener with his black Justin Bieber-style hair, firetruck-colored skinny jeans, and a pierced eyebrow, he spoke dejectedly. “So this is the library.” He folded his arms as the other students gawked.

“What do they call this majestic fortress?” asked one of the tour members.

“Widener,” he sighed. “Second biggest system in the world.”

A metrosexual who calls himself Teeth chimed in hopefully, “Second to Yale’s??” When Vladimir mumbled something about the Library of Congress, Teeth asked for clarification.

“WE’RE THIRD, OKAY?! WE’RE THIRD. I can’t. I just can’t.” Vladimir put his headphones on, and stormed off to the bus to lose himself in the Mountain Goats’ new album; the group hung their heads all at the same time. 

As this sort of mediocrity is becoming more and more common with the tour leaders, a vice-tour leader is generally present to take the reins. A gangly girl with large feet took control. 

“Alright, I know what you all came here for. Here are the transfer applications.”

She pulled a stack of papers out of her bag, and the Yalies subsequently tackled her to the ground, grabbed them off of her frail body, and ran in separate directions.  “I hate myself,” she whispered as she pulled out her own transfer app from her fashionable overall pocket and began to fill it out.

© 2012