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You Know that Giant Hole in the Yard? Yeah, I Had the Kids Drilling for Oil

Once that hole gets a little deeper, I think we'll strike oil.

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

See, a week ago I started to wonder why I even needed to invest all this Harvard money into the fuel business when I could just tap into an infinite supply of labor: Harvard undergrads. I mean they’re young, fit, and smart: the perfect workforce. And then that got me thinking, hey... that archaeological dig site out on the Yard is pretty deep already! Let’s keep fucking digging!

And once that hole was deep enough, it was time to get to business. As they say, when life gives you a big lemony pit in Harvard Yard, make petroleum. So, I decided I must further trick the Engineering Concentrators into building a super powerful drill that could turn the Yard into a whole bucket load of cash. How? I told them I’d give them 5% of the earnings. Worked like a charm-even flipped a few divest members. Not like these kids are actually getting a cut when this is over.

Anyway, under the spell of fake promises, the students built a better drilling rig than if I had contracted Tesco. I mean, this puppy could purr. At midnight, we hauled that sucker to the Yard, and boy was I pumped to get that oil pumpin’ out of the ground. But that’s when we ran into a problem.

The hole was closed up. Yup, I know right. Operational services closed the hole to put grass on top of it. Apparently, nature boosts student morale or something like. Like grow up, guys. Grass is lame. You know what’s not lame? Oil.

So next time you think everything Larry invests in is bad, bad, bad, remember it’s all your fault that I have to make up my losses in the market. Because I could have been so goddamn rich off my oil rig by now.

Image credit: The Boston Globe

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