NASA has recently announced that they are considering onboard comedians to accompany the astronauts on the first human Mars mission to help the team through stressful situations. Although this program may be far off in the future, there are some obvious candidates that come to mind. These comedians will be sure to provide a sense of unity for the squad, reduce psychological stress, boost morale, and definitely not leverage their comedic charm for bizarrely specific sexual acts while living in close proximity.

BOSTON – Andrew Hoffman, a 32-year-old electrical engineer, is starting to wonder if he’s the only one who prefers masturbating in private.

In the wake of revelations that Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Brett Ratner all masturbated in front of nonconsenting women, Hoffman is feeling a bit worried that he totally missed the memo about how masturbation works.

“You know, I’ve always gotten off alone in my room watching porn,” said Hoffman. “Hell, I even lock the door when I jack off. Is that weird? Have I been doing it wrong for two decades?”