and entering

Be Honest. Is Everyone Avoiding Me?

It's a nice place, right? Just think of all the tortured souls we could fit in here!

By: That Dead Girl In The Sewer From That Chain Email You Got In 4th Grade

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Hey. Sorry to drop in like this— or should I say, sorry to materialize out of your toilet while you're taking a dump like this. No, it's ok, you don't need to pull up your pants. I won't stay long.

It's just— look. It's me, that girl from that chain email you got in 4th grade. You know, the girl who died in a sewer after, like, being bullied or whatever, and now haunts the pipes, and terrorizes any child who doesn't email my story to 12 new people within 24 hours? Or some variation of that? Yeah. Anyways, I just need you to be straight with me. Are… are people avoiding me?

I know, I know, I sound crazy. It's just, like, I offered to pay you a visit. I offered to hang out. It would've been fun! We could have watched movies, braided each other's hair, explored the sewers. But instead, you literally rummaged up 12 random people and spammed them with some long-ass email from your AOL Kids account. Just so you wouldn't have to see me. I mean, you sent it to your fucking aunt. You don't even like her! Wouldn't you feel insulted?

It's bad enough that I have to live in a ghost sewer, surrounded by tampons and sexually aggressive rats. But whenever I try to make a friend, boom! They do a ton of work just to avoid me. I'm fun! I'm cool! My stench isn't that bad, once you get used to it. Plus, I have tons of sneaky-problematic opinions to spice things up for you whenever I get drunk. I just think you should've given me a chance, is all. 

Now if you'll excuse me, one of my new friends that I trapped in the pipes is trying to claw his way out with his finger stumps again. Ha, he's so funny, right?! He knows that won't work, silly goose! Don't worry, Jonathan! I'm on my way!

See you never, you rotten bully. And thanks for nothing.


Sent from my iPhone.

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