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Everything Beyoncé Has Done I Did First and Better, But It's Fine

Me, the original diva.

By Mariah Carey

Okay, I get it, you’re all really obsessed with Beyoncé. Her diva persona, her booty, her twins. It’s all really cool. You know how I know that? Because I did all that shit first.

Listen up, sheeple, and you might learn a thing or two. You heard it here first: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a copycat of the highest degree. And also, I am not “the laughingstock of music.”

Let’s get some things straight. You think Beyoncé is the original diva? Guess again, amigo. I’ve been belting songs and wearing glittery leotards and reigning as the undisputed Queen of Christmas since “Queen Bey” was seven years old.

You think she has a monopoly on breathtaking musical performances? Why, just because she’s performed at the Super Bowl Halftime Show what, like twice? I performed on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve! Okay, yeah, it didn’t go, like, perfectly. Fine, yes, I did just give up part way through lip syncing my greatest hits. Ever heard of a bad day?

And then you’re all ga-ga over Blue Ivy, easily the most boring Hollywood Baby. What’s the deal, guys? Like “oh! Beyoncé named her daughter Blue, she’s so edgy and original!” Fine, cool, whatever, her kid’s name is an adjective. You know who else’s name is an adjective? My son, Moroccan, who was born AN ENTIRE YEAR EARLIER.

And guess what else. His sister, Monroe? Also born a year earlier than Blue Ivy. That’s right, bitches, I had twins first! Surprise! Beyoncé didn’t actually invent the concept of carrying two fetuses at the same time.

Also, before you go all Beyoncé’s-the-best-Mariah-Carey-went-from-diva-to-disaster on me, riddle me this: do you even know all the lyrics to “Formation?” Didn’t think so. But I bet you can’t help but sing along to every word of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” I’m right, right?

Here’s what it all boils down to: I am an honest-to-God real-life bona fide diva. I was here first, and I am not going anywhere any time soon. Unless Beyoncé invites me over. Then I’ll go anywhere she asks, anytime, just say the word.

© 2017