By Mariah Carey

Okay, I get it, you’re all really obsessed with Beyoncé. Her diva persona, her booty, her twins. It’s all really cool. You know how I know that? Because I did all that shit first.

Listen up, sheeple, and you might learn a thing or two. You heard it here first: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a copycat of the highest degree. And also, I am not “the laughingstock of music.”

The blogosphere went wild last night after Queen Bey released a surprise baby at 8:44pm EST.

It had been just under two years since her last baby, Blue Ivy. The new baby is self-titled.

“I don’t know how she managed to hide it!” wrote one excited blogger. “Months of work, probably dozens of doctor’s appointments, and yet none of us knew a thing about little Beyoncé.”

The baby was released with little fanfare last night. Unlike previous babies, who were released at Lenox Hill Hospital, little Beyoncé was delivered at home.

WASHINGTON, D.C.– News has leaked that 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was in fact lip-syncing to a pre-recorded track during his second inauguration held earlier this month. A source in the White House staff reported that immediately after he left the platform, Obama could be heard “bragging to his bros,” Vice President Joseph Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, at the urinal about pulling off the stunt.