and entering

I, Too, Can Fuck

Mark Zuckerberg
Thinking about how much I fuck

Stop it. Just please stop. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand. Please stop talking about how much Jeff Bezos fucks. I don’t even think the nudes are his. I’m not just saying this because the idle thought of staging an elaborate affair and leaking my own nudes to the press occurs to me at least twice daily and four times on Wednesday. What do you mean “the top of the pubic region can be seen”? Jeff Bezos has no pubic hair. Or any hair. Jeff Bezos is a naked mole rat stacked on top of three small children. 

I, too, can fuck. I am Mark Zuckerberg. I hire a professional photographer to follow me around and stage all my photos in order to make me look taller. I have a full head of hair. I am a CLOTHED lizard stacked on top of FOUR small children. In 2011, I kept six goats in my backyard and killed them myself when I wanted to eat meat. I did this because I care about the environment, and because I care about showing Jack Dorsey that I am better than he is. And also because I am super jacked, you know, because I fuck. 

I definitely have a mistress, as well as an adult man’s genitals. What more do I have to do in order to convince you that I fuck? I could send you my nudes, and I could also send you the nudes your high school crush sent to their significant other via Messenger in 2010. I have those too. 

For the love of God, please stop talking about how much Jeff Bezos fucks. Unless you are instead going to complain about how Facebook “leaks data,” then in which case, ok, fine, you can continue talking about how Jeff Bezos fucks, but please, only in a library voice.

© 2019