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Sit Back and Listen To Me Chew Directly Into Your Ears, You Powerless Worm

You thought you'd seen the last of me with my FlyBy Lorna Doones in section. Think again, muchacho.

Well, well, well. We meet again. It’s our usual place. Maybe, a Gened section? Or, a group project meeting? Really, anywhere over Zoom. Things are just getting started, and everyone looks happy and content. And then. I strike. 

It starts off slow. Just a bite, and a glance to see if you noticed. Then two. Then five, until I’ve reached a steady pace. I don’t take breaks. I never quit. My jaw goes like a champ, chomp chomp chomping, piping my chews directly into your eardrums. You thought you liked ASMR, but that was nothing like this. Because this is what I live for now. Maybe it’s a salad, or an apple, or— heaven forbid— potato chips. But no matter what, I’ll be there, two inches from the screen, chewing with my mouth open for this entire meeting. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

Sure, I could mute myself. And yeah, I could wait the 20 minutes this meeting lasts and then eat afterwards, or even— somehow— just eat beforehand. But where’s the thrill in that? After a month in lockdown, gnawing that carrot stick into my mic while your computer is on full volume is the only thing that gives me purpose. And I think that’s a beautiful thing. 

So, sit back. Pop in those headphones. And get used to it, because there’s nothing you can do. Who knows? Maybe I’ll slurp down a bowl of noodles. Maybe I’ll crack open a lobster during our 10 am check in. Or maybe I’ll chew on some ice cubes and then spit them onto a drum kit. And maybe I won’t. Either way, you’re powerless. I have complete control.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go slurp the last of a slushie and grind Cape Cod chips between my teeth in an advisor meeting. Mm. Delicious.

© 2020