and entering

So NOW You Call Me

Oh look at that, a phone! On my desk! Huh, I wonder if you can call it. You can?! That's news to you, apparently.

So, funny story. I’m finishing off a stellar round of mahjong in my office this morning, when Linda comes in to tell me that one of my constituents called urging me to speak out against President Trump’s immigration ban. And turns out it’s you! You called! Which is wild because we haven’t talked in, I don’t know, like eight months?

It’s cool, though. I get it. You’ve been busy. Don’t worry about it, me too. My bill to raise awareness of too-heavy backpacks has been riding me lately. It’s just interesting that you decide to call me now. We’ve just elected an unabashed bigot to the highest office in our nation, and you’re concerned. He’s banned the EPA from communicating with the public, introduced a bill to cut funding for abortion providers, and moved to resume construction on the Dakota Access Pipeline, and you’d like me to do something about it. As you should. Seriously, I appreciate your desire to get involved.

I just think it’s funny, you know? I mean, my reelection campaign is going on, and nothing. I pass my motion to make chewing gum too loudly in public a fineable offense, and nothing. Like clearly us communicating when there’s no fascist in the White House isn’t a priority.

Maybe we’ll talk again, maybe not. I don’t really care at this point. Because you have made literally no effort to reach out to me and I don’t want to keep holding on to something that isn’t working.

It’s not like there aren’t other constituents in my life. Seriously, Linda is transferring calls left and right. You would not BELIEVE how many people she had to put on hold to answer you. So there are plenty of people out there who care that I’m pushing to make Dogs in Cute Sweaters Day a national holiday. They actually want to speak with me, and they call me all the time.

I was just so excited to hear from you, you know? But then, all you want to talk about is Trump. It’s so frustrating and makes me feel like you couldn't give less of a fuck about me. And I deserve better than that. You say you wanna talk, like great, cool, but it doesn’t really mean anything to me at this point. Your actions have clearly proven otherwise and I’m done dealing with this. So excuse me, but I have a call on line two.

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