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What Am I Supposed to Do with This Dinner Reservation?

Sergey I. Kislyak, unsure what to do about his dinner reservation.

By Russian Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary, Sergey I. Kislyak

So FIRST I had to get over the fact that Jeff Sessions pretended not to know me during his congressional hearing. (Like, seriously? We spent an entire weekend hunting dangerous game together in the Caucasus Mountains, and you're just gonna act like we're not even friends?)  

And then he literally emailed me this morning to say that he was recusing himself from my birthday dinner tonight. Everyone knows that the first rule of diplomacy is that if you replied "coming" to a Paperless Post two months ago, you don't just up and change it to a "not coming" the day of the event. 

And, like, I wouldn't really mind, but he's not even the first one to do this to me. When Mikey Flynn bailed, I was like, yeah, that makes sense, he's always been super flaky. Like that one time we were out for my friend's birthday with a few randos from the Duma, and we were like, well obviously we're gonna make these two strippers fight to the death because it's like Nikolai's birthday, and Mikey was being soooo weird about it, and then he just like left. 

But anyways, I had already made the reservation for a small get-together for some close friends and Trump campaign aides at this little hole-in-the-wall noodle place down in Dupont Circle. Then, one by one, people started dropping out! Kushner kept being like, "Oh, I have this work thing, and Ivanka and I were gonna just stay in and watch a movie." And I was like, what's going on? 

So I just fished through the Trump administration's email server to find out for myself. And of course they were talking about me behind my back and saying all this stuff about how I was "terrible PR" and it would be a "nightmare" if anyone found out about our relationship.

And it's not that I'm mad, I'm just...embarrassed. I'm bummed! This is, like, super rude. This really might be worse than the time that Putin made fun of me for not wanting to poison the Ukrainian ambassador at my last birthday. And that birthday sucked.

© 2017