and entering

Why Prison is the Ultimate Final Club

If she went through Bee punch, wealthy white woman and drug smuggler Piper Chapman would have made it to the date event at least

by Victoria “Knife” van der William Tudor III

Yes, it is I, Victoria van der William Tudor III, the ultimate final woman, here to grace this campus with my humble worldview. After serving an 8-month long sentence at San Quentin Penitentiary (the reason is not important), I have determined that it is prison, and not The Bee, that is the ultimate final club.

Truly, nothing could have prepared me better for prison than going through punch. At my first punch event, I ruthlessly tore down a girl’s self-esteem. On my first day in San Quentin Penitentiary, I ruthlessly killed a woman (allegedly in self-defense) and when the crowd of orange jumpsuits propped my blood soaked body up onto their shoulders and cheered my new nickname (“Knife! Knife! Knife!”), I knew this prison thing could be no more difficult than joining a final club.

In prison, all you had to do to get on top was to take another sentient being's life, then eat the face off of their body so their family would never be able to say goodbye. Just like how I asked to borrow all the girls' AirPods and then never gave any of them back. Maybe not all the skills I learned will be transferable. 

Everything was much simpler in prison, as the social structure was clear and held in place by physical violence. To get into the more exclusive social groups was easy: drugs in butt, drugs out of butt, trade some cigarettes and a lock of your hair for some commissary Sudafed and you were living the life.

Just like being in The Bee, the best part about being in a federal correctional facility was hands down the strong feeling of sisterhood. I have my sisters Prison Julie and Lil’ Fucker to thank for always supporting me in dining hall brawls.

In prison I was treated like an animal, deprived of my most basic of human rights, and fed unspeakable things, but at least I had a support system of genuine people who, although they shanked me, I couldn't imagine my life without. 

© 2019