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Breaking

and entering

Prison

Why Prison is the Ultimate Final Club

by Victoria “Knife” van der William Tudor III

Yes, it is I, Victoria van der William Tudor III, the ultimate final woman, here to grace this campus with my humble worldview. After serving an 8-month long sentence at San Quentin Penitentiary (the reason is not important), I have determined that it is prison, and not The Bee, that is the ultimate final club.

Hundreds Join Divest Protest as Final Attempt to Shut Down Yardfest

CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Sunday, as Harvard students filled the Yard to watch Kiiara and Bazzi perform at Yardfest, the Divest Harvard and Harvard Prison Divestment Campaigns held a rally with a record breaking number of people in attendance. The high turnout was not actually in support of the divestment effort, but rather in an effort to shut down the music festival, as the divestment groups had done to President Larry Bacow’s talk earlier in the week.

Warden Looking to Build Plucky Team of Inmates Around Aaron Hernandez

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”