and entering

You People Are Even Too Problematic for Me

Don't claim to be my 'advocate' if you're gonna say shit like that, man.

By the Devil

Dear Advocates,

Behold, ‘tis I, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Satan, Lord of the Dark Abyss. You know, that guy who you just loooove to stand up for, like, all the time in section, at the dining hall, and on twitter when you practice your hot takes. Look, everyone hates changes. I wish I didn’t have to say this. But let me just get it out — after a thorough review of your performance this past year, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to let you go.

I have greatly appreciated your willingness to just jump into pretty much any interaction and appoint yourself my earthly representative. But the reason I’m firing every single one of you is because, to put it frankly, y’all suck at your job.

Look, I already have an “image problem”. I’m literally the Devil. So when you say all this stupid shit in seemingly every social interaction and then try to pin it all on me, it’s really not helping.

Can we really not do better, people? Like Becky — I heard that conversation you had with your cousin about race in America. To be clear, I really wish you’d stop trying to claim that “the slaves got free housing if you really think about it”. That’s, like, well beyond politically incorrect (and this is coming from the guy whose job it is to torture nonbelievers for eternity). Or Mike… that point you made at dinner about how European Imperialism actually helped natives? Look, I get that you were just trying to seem edgy. But like, yikes, man. That’s enormously problematic. And as the cause of every single human sin since the Creation of Man, “enormously problematic” is usually my jam.

Like, is it truly too much to ask for people who have actually done their section reading? Can we really not do better than basing our entire political worldview around those sketchy YouTube videos from the “Recommended” section after an hour of binge-watching? Is there no one in online comment sections with a basic grasp of grammar and style?

You’ll be receiving official notice of this termination by mail in 7-10 business days, and HR is open from now until the End of Days if you have any questions. I can’t say I’ll miss the underwhelming mental gymnastics. So, thank you for your service and farwell, but I hope you understand why I'll be seeking better representation in the future. I mean, just ask economists and lawyers — there’s plenty of evil you can do while still sounding quite convincing.

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