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You People Are Even Too Problematic for Me

By the Devil

Dear Advocates,

Behold, ‘tis I, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Satan, Lord of the Dark Abyss. You know, that guy who you just loooove to stand up for, like, all the time in section, at the dining hall, and on twitter when you practice your hot takes. Look, everyone hates changes. I wish I didn’t have to say this. But let me just get it out — after a thorough review of your performance this past year, I regret to inform you that I’ll have to let you go.

Satan to Honor Those Who Take Only the Crumble Part of the Apple Crumble

apple crumble

HELL—Satan will host a Summit to Recognize Extraordinary Evil later this month honoring the bold men and women who, come dessert time, take only the delicious crumbly bits of the apple crumble, a spokesman for the Dark Prince announced on Thursday.