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Area Mother Theresa Graciously Gifts Half-Eaten Bag of Pretzels to Secret Santa

PLEASANTVILLE, NY— Blatantly disregarding the recommended price range of $10 - $15, area Mother Theresa Jack Anderson graciously gifted his Secret Santa a half-eaten bag of Rold Gold® Original Tiny Pretzels, which he reportedly picked up at a CVS 10 minutes before the gift exchange, then ate on the way over.

One by one, gift exchange participants unwrapped their items to reveal heartwarming presents ranging from homemade snickerdoodles to custom pajama sets and Sims 4. But when it was Molly Smith's turn, everyone was blown away by Jack’s charitable giving. 

“Rold Gold® Original Tiny Pretzels are far inferior to Rold Gold® Honey Pretzel Sticks, and also I'm gluten free," said Smith, whose wishlist explicitly listed Sour Patch Watermelon and a funny Urban Outfitters mug. "But it's the thought that counts?”

Reports of Anderson’s gift have led to a county-wide investigation, which concluded that he had received presents totaling up to $18 —1100% more than the $1.50 he had spent. Pleasantville locals, shocked by Jack’s extreme generosity, have since incited statewide riots and a national social media phenomenon, #justiceforjack, which is currently campaigning for his arrest.

“Jack seemed like a nice young man, but I guess he’s just The Destroyer of Christmas and All Things Joyous,” said Teddy Burton, a Secret Santa organizer. “I hope they bring this case to justice. In the meantime, I’ve got a mob of Christmas sweater-donning townspeople to lead. We’re storming his house with pitchforks this afternoon.”

At press time, the angry mob was seen razing another neighbor’s house to the ground for spending more than $20 on a gift, that flashy try-hard bitch.

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