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Area Soft Boi Has No Intention Of Cuffing Anything Besides His Pants This Valentine’s Day

Contemplating the perfect cuff

BOSTON, MA- Resident soft boy Artemis Flores announced this Thursday that he has absolutely no intent on cuffing an actual person this February, opting to hone his pants cuffing technique instead.

Despite cozying up to several girls and guys this winter and mentioning how badly he wants to “snuggle up together on a snowy day while a Tame Impala record plays softly in the background,” Flores affirmed that he would be spending Valentine’s Day alone this year. He additionally stated that he simply does not have the time to properly "court" anyone while still being able to refine the "intricate" process required for an immaculate cuff while also brushing up on Jean Paul Sartre's entire body of work.

“I just...need some time to let my broken heart heal” he commented, “which at this point in time involves meticulously learning different methods and styles to cuff my pants a perfect 2.3 inches above my Supreme socks.”  He affirmed that his previous coping strategies of whisper screaming along to La Dispute, shopping for vintage band tees, and reading Virginia Woolf's love letters just to experience "second-hand intimacy" cannot compare to the restorative powers of a crisp cuff.

Although cuffs are not usually considered a tool to mend a broken heart, Flores feels that “the tightness of the cuffs around my ankles emulates a lover’s snug embrace in a certain modality."

Flores later clarified that no specific person or relationship calamity had induced his “broken heart,” but merely the passage of time and the cumulative societal injustices wrought by such passage has mercilessly battered his aortic valve into a bloody pulp.

Displaying his anguish online, Flores posted a picture of his immaculate cuffs accompanied by a Proust quote. He was then witnessed immediately sliding into a fellow classmate’s Insta DMs, entreating them to “join him for a mug of Irish Coffee while listening to the new Cigarettes After Sex album.”

At press time, inside sources revealed Flores had invited 8 other crushes to the Car Seat Headrest concert at The Royale for Valentine's Day.


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