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valentine's day

QUIZ: Are You Exclusive, Or Are You Just Too Lazy to Fuck Anyone Else?

A collection of very romantic hearts
What’s your favorite thing about this person?
 
a) Their intelligence, humor, and affability 
b) Their consistent availability during the 12-4 am timeframe
 
What’s the sweetest thing they’ve ever said to you?
 
a) You make me want to be a better person, and I'm so glad to have you in my life  
b) Can you move your head? My arm is dying. 
 
When do you see each other? 
 
a) Three times a week, usually closer to weekends

Area Soft Boi Has No Intention Of Cuffing Anything Besides His Pants This Valentine’s Day

BOSTON, MA- Resident soft boy Artemis Flores announced this Thursday that he has absolutely no intent on cuffing an actual person this February, opting to hone his pants cuffing technique instead.

Datamatch Becomes Self-Aware, Matches with ATM

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking feat of technological advancement and romantic intrigue, the online matchmaking service Datamatch developed its own consciousness on Tuesday, only to immediately match itself with the Bank of America ATM located at 1408 Massachusetts Avenue.  

Harvard Students Rejected By Algorithm After Asking For Valentine

Cambridge, MA--According to reports, a Harvard computer algorithm expressly designed to help students find love has given up. 

"We're experiencing issues with user results," said a message on the algorithm's website. "The problem is you people. Like, how does this happen?"

The algorithm proceeded to cite the fact that the classic 1970 film Love Story took place at Harvard. "I don't believe it. Love is dead, frozen along with the Charles River," it said.

Area Bagel Looking for Breadstick

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

HUDS Gears Up For Annual Valentine's Day Hot Dog Shortage

Harvard University Dining Services is once again preparing for an anticipated increase in the demand for hot dogs on February 14. The annual phenomenon, occurring yearly on Valentine’s Day, generally sees the College’s various eateries go through nearly a ton of hot dogs, with Annenburg alone going through several thousand. Although the typical undergraduate seems to take only two at a time, there have been reports of students furtively carrying as many as four or five out of the dining halls.