and entering

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.
An artist's rendition of what is thought to be Tippet's current location.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.

“It’s hard to believe, really,” Paulus stated. “She’s a safe and experienced thinker. I mean, hell, she was a philosophy major. I guess it goes to show you that it can happen to anyone.”

But Clarke is optimistic about Tippet’s safe return. “She's thought her way out of tougher situations before, like that time she had to choose between attending her best friend's wedding or her cousin's funeral." 

She admitted, however, that things could easily go from bad to worse with a mind wandering unsupervised: “It’s just so awful to think of her, scared and alone, caught in an echo chamber, or eternally wandering in a logical fallacy.”

Search party volunteers have been using their best thought experiments to find Tippet since Wednesday. The Lexington Parks and Recreation department issued a statement warning anyone who was going to be thinking in the next couple of days to stick to clearly marked paths of reasoning, always think with a companion, and to carry with them a copy of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason in case they get lost.

At press time, authorities thought they had figured out Tippet's location, but it slipped their minds before they could write it down.


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