and entering

Area Woman

Whoa There: Area Woman Unleashes Her Inner Dominatrix by Gently Directing Partner in Bed

MILWAUKEE, WI -- Area woman Julianna Delaney shocked those around her by exposing her inner dominatrix last night when she gave her boyfriend, Jared Kogan, a few tips about how to better satisfy her sexually.
    Kogan reportedly balked at Delaney’s request that he “go a little slower, and put your hands on my back,” and ran out of her apartment. In a statement to the press, he expressed his surprise and dismay at his partner’s unmasked kinks, saying, “She should have told me if she’s looking for a sex slave. What’s next - she’s going to put me on a leash and whip me?”

Area Woman Proud of the Scathing One-Liners She Prepared in Case She Runs into Ex

NEW YORK, NY – Local woman Lauren Summers, 26, is reportedly proud of her collection of “savage” one-liners that she has prepared should she ever run into her ex.

Even though Brian moved to Los Angeles last month and is likely never returning to New York, Summers has several biting comebacks stored up just in case she sees him unexpectedly. “I haven’t seen him since he dumped me last October,” she said. “But I just know that if I ever do see him, I’ll be able to say something really clever to stick it to him.” 

This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

Area Woman Lost in Thought, Presumed Dead

A woman in a black hole.

LEXINGTON, MA – Michelle Tippet, a local accountant, has been lost in thought for over 72 hours and is presumed dead.

Stephen Paulus, Tippet’s friend and occasional thinking companion, and Rebecca Clarke, Tippet’s fiancée, notified authorities after Tippet had been missing for over five hours. Witnesses said she left early that morning to think about what color to paint the spare bedroom.