and entering

Area Woman Proud of the Scathing One-Liners She Prepared in Case She Runs into Ex

Summers is ready and waiting to see her ex in a city he is probably never returning to.

NEW YORK, NY – Local woman Lauren Summers, 26, is reportedly proud of her collection of “savage” one-liners that she has prepared should she ever run into her ex.

Even though Brian moved to Los Angeles last month and is likely never returning to New York, Summers has several biting comebacks stored up just in case she sees him unexpectedly. “I haven’t seen him since he dumped me last October,” she said. “But I just know that if I ever do see him, I’ll be able to say something really clever to stick it to him.” 

Her lines, which range from passive-aggressive to just aggressive, include zingers like “I was hoping to run into you—you left some of your dignity at my apartment!” as well as “Suck it! I hate you!” Summers says that she has comeback to match every mood and situation, despite the fact that Brian is now engaged to and living across the country with a perfectly fine woman named Tina and that the likelihood of running into him is magnificently low.

Summers insists that she does not have a favorite line but that she does fantasize most often about running into Brian with his fiancé and asking him whether his hemorrhoids have cleared up yet. “I’d love to see the look on his face when I tell him I’ll mail his ointment back to him right in front of her!” she said.

At press time, Summers was browsing the internet for engagement rings she could pretend to be showing off to her mother on FaceTime should she ever see Brian in the café that they used to go to.

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