and entering

Kid Who Ate Glue In Kindergarten Happier Than You

A guy who, 15 years ago, would have actually taken the lid off of this and chowed it down, is now less stressed, more successful, and having much better sex than you are.

In a development that has generated responses from your childhood friends as varied as “Wait, who?” and “Oh, him,” a recent bout of Facebook stalking has revealed that Stewart Benson, who, when he was five years old, drank out of a bottle of Elmer’s on a semi-regular basis, is currently enjoying life far more than you are.

“Hey man, how’ve you been?” Benson messaged you after receiving your friend request. Known as Gluey Stewie until he moved away in middle school, Benson is about to graduate early from Berkeley with a degree in astrophysics,  “It’s been so long since I heard from you—everything ok on your end?”

Benson, whose mother had to be called in more than once in response to his feeding frenzies in Mrs. Pataki’s art class, has a timeline filled with enthusiastic reports of graduate school acceptances and Golden Bears wins, inside jokes posted by genuinely affectionate friends, and photos of himself and his surprisingly attractive girlfriend at concerts, campsites, and the beach.

“I’m doing alright, I guess,” reported the man who literally turned green this one time but who will most likely have a doctorate from MIT or Stanford within a decade. “My band’s been playing a few small gigs and I’ve been going to the gym a few times every week. Same old, same old, you know?”

Further research has revealed that, while Benson may be doing well, at least Aidan Longstreet, who stole your lunch money like a goddamned cartoon character, is a lonely, unemployed misogynist whose mom kicked him out.

© 2014