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Man Secretly Enjoys Sitting in Warm Fumes of His Own Fart

A generic stock photo of a man

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Trembling with the strain of clenching his quivering buttcheeks together, Mike Dawkins anxiously waited until his roommates left for the pizza shop before unleashing an ungodly build-up of flatulence Tuesday night. 

Relieved that no one was around to hear the symphony of gases that escaped the cavernous depths of his bowels, Dawkins told reporters that he moaned with relief as his body was emptied of the bubbling air that he had been desperately holding back since pounding down a plate of half-frozen microwaveable pizza rolls. “I haven’t felt this level of sheer joy since my last prostate exam,” Dawkins said.

Inside sources claim that Dawkins secretly enjoyed sitting in the aftermath of his whale of a fart, stating that he derived a simple self-satisfaction from the knowledge that he could have such a godfuckingawful impact on his immediate environment. 

“Everything I do, I do it big,” Dawkins said proudly, “And that includes my digestive by-products.” He reportedly sat there unmovingly for the next five minutes, marinating in his own fart fumes. 

According to exclusive reports, Dawkin’s roommates returned home and exclaimed, “Mike, I’m pretty sure Satan rents out your asshole. The last time I smelled something this bad was at my mother’s open casket funeral.”

At press time, after passing a particularly toxic toot during an on-campus interview, Dawkins was reportedly recruited into an alternative fuel research program focused on farming sustainable biogases.

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