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Marxist Refuses to Go Down on Girlfriend, Citing 'No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism'

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Flannigan was not compelled by his partner's plea to study her "Theses on Feuer-bush"

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On Monday NYU PhD. candidate Mark P. Flannigan was forced to flee his communal living space after declining to reciprocate oral sex with  long-term partner Alyssa M. Hale, citing "no ethical consumption under capitalism." 

Flannigan, who is writing his dissertation on the political philosophy of German Marxist Karl Korsch, reportedly did not understand why his partner was so upset. “Alyssa clearly doesn’t understand that we can’t let the invisible hand, or mouth, of the market win," he said, as Hale threw his second-hand Marx-Engels Reader down the stairs behind him. 

Flannagan's mid-coitus stand against capitalism has proven the last straw for Hale, even though they’d previously been able to incorporate Flannigan’s passion for Marxism into their sex life. “Sometimes I’d tell him he’s as thick as Das Kapital, and that really got him going,” Hale explained. “Then I’d try to convince him that we needed an equal distribution of head, but he’d just call me 'bourgeois' and go to sleep.” 

Flannigan feels that it’s inappropriate for a cunning linguist such as himself, an intellectual, and the writer of 80-page PDF “How Marx Changes Lives: An Intersectional Look at the Intersection Between Me and Marxism”, to become complicit in the capitalist behaviors when his dedication to the socialist cause is just reaching its climax.

In respose, Hale has decided to give her partner an ultimatum. “Either he reciprocates or these means of production are closed for business,” she vowed.

Flannigan later confessed that he also thinks that vaginas are “super gross” and that he is “not putting my mouth there.”

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