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MGH Research Proposes New “Cure All”: Having a Really Long Arm


Cambridge, MA—Lead researchers at MGH have recently published a paper proposing that all diseases - and they really mean all diseases - can be mysteriously and completely cured when one of the patient’s arms is significantly elongated. Specifically, they claim elongation of 3-5 inches can cure common ailments like bruises, strep, and relationship dissatisfaction; 6-12 inches can cure many serious cancers and STDs; 12+ inches can help those who are underweight.

“It really works!” quotes one healthy patient who had undergone the treatment, “I used to have a minor cold and now I feel great. But none of my shirts fit anymore. I also can’t clap.”

“We’re glad they’ve finally found a solution,” says another volunteer with one really long arm, one really short leg, an extra finger growing out of his right palm, and a tail. “They’ve been trying everything, and it’s really taking a toll on us volunteers."

Despite the publication and testimonials, medical professionals and patients worldwide remain skeptical. Many have refused treatment with MGH’s newly proposed solution. Frequent complaints include the unwillingness to be seen in public with one really long arm. No one is surprised.

Further skepticism rises as reporters claim to have overheard a phone call from the President of the U.S. Plastic Surgeons to MGH’s lead researcher thanking her for publicity and the business from those wanting their long arms reverted.

At press time, reporters discovered MGH has estimated a large increase in the number of amputations expected to happen in the next 3 months. When questioned, MGH researchers quickly denied rumors of a new proposal claiming that having a really short arm can also cure diseases.

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