and entering

Two Words on Social Media Was Exactly What I Wanted for My Birthday

a facebook "happy birthday!" post
You shouldn't have!

By you know exactly which friend

Hey, BFF! Thank you SO much for your thoughtful birthday post on Facebook.

Honestly, I am moved by the pure simplicity of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Your employment of capital letters and that exclamation point captured your enthusiasm with a level of nuance that definitely could not have been achieved with more words. Huge props for not using any emojis at all. They would have distracted from the whole two words you wrote.

In case you're feeling guilty that you didn't include a cute pic of us, do not sweat it. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to find flattering pictures of you that also feature me. I spent 14 hours searching for the perfect one the day before your birthday...but it was really no big deal, and I definitely don't resent you for not putting the same amount of effort into my birthday. It's so chill. I'm so chill this semester.

I sincerely appreciate you keeping the message short and sweet and photo-less to accommodate my very busy schedule, which definitely doesn’t include compulsively checking my phone for heartfelt birthday posts on social media from people I thought were my nearest and dearest friends since elementary school. By the way, I thought it was so sweet that you made a whole birthday collage for Isabelle! You've known her for a whole two years, right?

And zero hard feelings about Instagram! I doubt any of your three followers will notice. Oh yeah, by the way, I had to unfollow you. Nothing personal! But the couple pics of you and Jake are getting kind of stale these days, and I need my feed to have the right aesthetic, ya know?

It was really so cool of you to respect Mother Earth by not wasting paper on a handwritten card. And I totally understand why you didn’t give me a shout-out on Snapchat. Everyone's been talking about how extra your Snap stories have been lately, so I’m sure they were relieved you took a day off.

I spoke to my mom, and Deb totally understands your struggle to keep up with social media norms. She sends her best wishes and would never do anything rash like make an alias account to cyber-bully you and get revenge. That'd be like super aggressive and would mess up her chakra alignment. 

© 2018