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You Think You Feel Sad? This Dad Lost His Favorite Shoe Horn.

You could never understand.

Area Dad Filbert Jennings lost his favourite shoehorn in a tragic accident just this Monday. About the beloved shoehorn, Mr. Jennings said, “Yes, it was a tragic accident, Vanessa, because it was an accident, and I am very sad about it.” The shoehorn was reportedly in his hand, and then allegedly, no longer in his hand. A self-identified witness to the scene A. Shiu Horne reportedly told Filbert, “I love you, but if you love me, you have to let me go.” However, Horne is now in witness protection and could not be reached for comment on the validity of this statement.

The daughter of the victim Vanessa Jennings commented, “I am two hours late for school, and he is still looking for it. No one will even see my dad’s shoes. He literally has never gotten out of the car.” Scientists predict Vanessa will never go to school again. 

Witness accounts say Filbert has plenty of other shoehorns he could use, but he believes they simply “aren’t the same.” Knowing how incredibly risky and dangerous it is to forgo the horn, Filbert is reputedly in the most difficult position of his entire life and noted “you couldn’t possibly feel as sad as he does right now.” 

Medical experts expected he would go through the five stages of grief in the pursuit of the missing horn, and he has been making steady progress through them over the last several hours. The first stage, denial, was marked by the ill-informed thought that “any shoehorn will be fine.” Next, was anger, and since Filbert is a father, this meant no one knew about it, and then eventually, everyone knew about it. Bargaining occurred when Filbert converted to a new religion in an attempt to find shoehorn spiritual guidance. Filbert is in the depression stage now, and it will likely last the whole day and culminate in him making unseasoned baked chicken for dinner tonight and sulking in his football recliner. Acceptance is the last stage, but Medical experts believe Filbert will never reach it.

After eating a sandwich, Filbert has shown signs of mental and physical recovery, despite the traumatic incident, and plans to spread awareness about keeping in touch with your shoehorn. At press time, Filbert learned about slip-on shoes, abandoned his advocacy, and ascended to heaven immediately.

© 2021