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“How’re We Gonna Make More People, Then?!”: U.S. Baby Formula Shortage Alarms Scientists

A bald man wearing a white coat, gloves, and goggles is standing in a dark lab and holding up a glowing green erlenmeyer flask
Mountain Dew deemed ineffective substitute

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the United States continues to grapple with a shortage of baby formula, a team of the nation’s top scientists are racking their brains to identify an alternative means of creating new children.

“If we don’t have the baby formula, how are we supposed to make new babies? That others in the scientific community aren’t raising the alarm over this formula shortage is almost as shocking as the shortage itself,” said Robert Grohmann, director of the MIT Synthetic Biology Center. 

“It’s the opportunity of a lifetime for a breakthrough – an area both painfully neglected and overwhelmingly important, ” Grohmann continued. “It’s certainly not every day that a scientist like me is in a position to conceive a child. But I’m eager to figure out how it’s done.”

Center representatives have reported difficulties in persuading other scientists to contribute to the effort, however. “At this point I have repeatedly emailed, called, and texted every biologist I know and asked whether they wanted to come to our lab and make babies,” lamented Grohmann. “For some reason there have been no takers. Just calls from HR.”

Some at the Center believe that the lack of interest in seeking an alternative baby formula may indicate that a greater conspiracy is afoot. “The FDA and the CDC are both saying not to make your own baby formula,” commented 12th year PhD student and self-described “STEM person” Adam Manson. “I’ve never seen anything like it – it’s like the government is trying to control whether or not we have kids.”

In any case, the group is having difficulty with their initial research. According to one lab affiliate, “A thorough literature review was conducted to identify structures and methods analogous to the baby formula and its usage prior to the shortage. We repeatedly encountered references to ‘Birds and Bees’, ‘Rolling in Hay’, and ‘Knocking Boots.’ Unfortunately, we have failed to identify any commonality among them.”

At press time, Grohmann and other SBC affiliates declined this author’s requests to visit the lab out of “an abundance of caution regarding cooties transmission.”

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