UNITED STATES, EARTH – Following a denial to share information with the US Government, Apple CEO Tim Cook commented that “he really wasn’t ready to open up” about the company and country's relationship. “Nothing’s official yet, but if we were in a Facebook relationship - which we AREN’T - it would be ‘it’s complicated.’” A source close to the issue said that "they've been running in circles for a while; they aren't that great about talking about things, but there's a whole lot of texts."

According to another close source, things first got tense between Apple and the United States when Apple decided to move subsidiaries to Ireland. “It almost feels like they’re trying to escape us,” said one U.S. representative, “We want to make this work but they keep running away.” "There was one joke the U.S. government made in bad taste about crab apples," mentioned one source, "but that was pretty petty so I won't go too into it."

“It wouldn’t be so bad if this was a more general problem,” said another U.S. spokesman, “but Apple seems to very clearly to be willing to share things with, like, my mom. Why won’t they just sit down and talk this out with us?”

In private, the US government approached the computer conglomerate to ask "What's eating you?" According to one source, the company snarkily responded: "worms." After much back and forth, a spokesman for Apple conceded that they “just aren’t really sure what we’re looking for right now,” and that they have always “had trouble sharing the personal stuff.”