In the too-distant-to-be-relevant wake of the Edward Snowden NSA leak scandal, Department of Motor Vehicles employee Buddy Harcott has come forward to reveal secret information about his own employer. As the only news source that took him up on the offer, SatireV has exclusive coverage of these secrets. 

Looking over his shoulder in the nearly-empty Macy’s elevator he requested I meet him in, he whispered, “I was flippin’ between a Girls Gone Wild infomercial and House reruns last night and my remote broke and stuck me on CNN. I didn’t want to get up to change the channel, so I watched about this Edward guy and figured maybe I got something to say too. Maybe Nancy Grace’ll come talk to me. I mean, damn, that girl’s a fox.

“Well, firstly, the line at the front isn’t real. We get 134 actors every day to intimidate the real customers into leaving. The trick’s to cut everyone, and stand at the front of the line naked until one of the service reps decides to look up from their CandyCrush game.

“Also, we only hire from a pool of Scripps Spelling Bee losers and those injured in moderately tragic factory accidents.”

When the elevator reached the 3rd floor, Harcott only agreed to exit the elevator after donning a rubber Angela Merkel mask for secrecy. He continued, “I guess the biggest kicker is that we shred every document. Anything you hand us, if you turn away for even a second, we shred it, then tell you we already lost it.”

Upon getting asked how he felt about all this, “I’m sickened. As soon as Puerto Rico offers me asylum, I’ll quit this immoral travesty of a job, probably go back to school. I wanna be a strip club manager.”