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Disgruntled Spring Breakers Move the Party to the Life Care Center in Kirkland, Washington

Endangering the elderly: that's spring break's all about!

KIRKLAND, WA — As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the country, public officials are pushing for the adoption of social distancing measures nationwide. But some college kids are refusing to let COVID-19 ruin their spring break.

Brady Sluder, an aspiring SoundCloud rapper from Ohio, told reporters in Miami beach, “If I get corona I, I get corona… I’m not going to let it stop me from partying.” Now that many Florida beaches have closed, Sluder and other spring-breakers are taking the party to a new destination: the Life Care Center nursing home in Kirkland, WA.

“If I get corona again, … well then I’ll have gotten it twice. But I’m still not gonna let it stop me from partying!” reiterated a shirtless Brady Sluder from the bingo room of Life Care Center. “And nobody throws down like LCC.”

“I don’t know if it’s the 63 confirmed COVID-19 cases or the dozens of other vulnerable seniors, but this place just has a super lit vibe” said Samantha Walsh, a college junior popping Plavix tablets she found in a medicine cabinet.

78-year-old Life Care Center resident Edna was visibly nervous as 25 college students poured into her living room, but tried to remain upbeat. “At least they’re not touching my… oh dear” she said as a shirtless man used her respirator as a beer bong.

“This is what spring break is all about!” said one student. “Beer, bikinis, and putting the sick and elderly in mortal danger for our own short-term benefit.”

When King County public officials announced that they would permanently close Life Care Center to visitors, frustrated students said they would probably take the party to an ICU in Codogno, Italy.

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