WASHINGTON D.C. — After facing backlash for laying off over 3,700 part-time employees, French makeup giant Sephora is now being applauded for its pledge to donate its stockpile of facemasks to American frontline healthcare workers combatting the COVID-19 pandemic.  While no N95 masks were listed for sale on the company website, industrial grade clay, charcoal, and Himalayan salt models in durable pastel packaging were available in bulk.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement issued last week by White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, the Trump Administration clarified that the President never actually told Americans to eat Tide pods, only that it was, “you know, like, a thing that you could think about doing.”

Hello, lovelies! I know this outbreak has been super stressful for all of us, so I just wanted to hop back on here to spread a message of hope to all of you: stay strong. We’re going to get through this together, I promise! And how do I know this? Well it’s because I know the key to solving this crisis: me.

1. Turn your zoom breakout session into a zoom makeout session

Remember you can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T

2. Love is in the share

Ask to screenshare and have tabs open to “am I too good at sex” or “how to be less understanding and emotionally intelligent.” Be sure to act embarrassed, but not surprised.

3. Claim “host” ownership, then remove the professor and all the other students except your crush and pretend like it's destiny

KIRKLAND, WA — As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps the country, public officials are pushing for the adoption of social distancing measures nationwide. But some college kids are refusing to let COVID-19 ruin their spring break.

Brady Sluder, an aspiring SoundCloud rapper from Ohio, told reporters in Miami beach, “If I get corona I, I get corona… I’m not going to let it stop me from partying.” Now that many Florida beaches have closed, Sluder and other spring-breakers are taking the party to a new destination: the Life Care Center nursing home in Kirkland, WA.

Are you quarantined? On a cruise ship? While acting as religious refugees fleeing Europe for the New World in a small boat? If the answers to these three questions are correct, then we may be able to help!

For the newest installment of Where They Stand, your trusted SatireV pollsters did a survey to see where key campus figures stand on how Harvard should change the grading policy in light of the COVID pandemic and students working from home. Scroll through to see the results.

Department heads

Economics DUS Jeffrey Miron: The faculty have decided that giving grades takes too much time out of their precious research calendar, so we’re suspending all grading requirements indefinitely.

by COVID-19

I couldn’t help but notice the tear rolling down your cheek as you hit delete on the Facebook event for the two-week reunion of your daughter's christening over concerns of my ability to lay waste to the human species. But let's be honest. You didn’t have to do that. No one was coming anyway.