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Eighth Annual NSA Secret Santa Ruined by NSA

Edward Snowden might or might not have committed treason, but at least he respected the sanctity of Secret Santa.

[REDACTED], USA - In response to the premature end of an annual agency tradition started in 2008, Commander Ad. Michael Rogers confirmed today that the eighth NSA Secret Santa has once again been ruined by the NSA. 

“I know that everyone was really excited for things to be different this year, Dave,” Rogers wrote in an agency-wide email with the subject: Well, We Blew It Again Guys. “I just want to personally commend everyone who put in the effort to try and make our non-denominational Secret Santa a success this year, from those of you who limited yourself to only stalking your Santee’s Pinterest page, to those of you who went the extra mile and downloaded SelfControl onto your laptop.”

Unfortunately, Rogers explained, fucking Dave a few individuals could not wait to find out the Secret Santa assignments. Two days ago, a spreadsheet with the pairings mysteriously appeared in the agency’s shared Dropbox folder.

“This is why we can’t have nice things,” mourned [REDACTED], a [REDACTED] who has worked in the NSA’s [REDACTED] for over [REDACTED] years. "I mean, I get that no one wants to get paired with Chelsea. Chelsea is the worst. She got me a bottle of Sprite and some Cheetos from Walgreens last year as my gift. But sacrifices are necessary to make the system as a whole work.”

Rogers summed up the agency’s resignation and disappointment in a sad puppy gif at the end of his email. “At least it wasn’t Wikileaks,” he concluded, before hitting send and procedurally setting his laptop on fire to destroy all evidence.

© 2016