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Hot Quarantine Dos and Don’ts from an Expert!

Remember me from eighth grade? That's right. Symbolism is BACK.

By Boo Radley

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a lot of articles giving advice on how to pass the time in quarantine, and as someone who’s been practicing social distancing since before the Spanish Flu, I’d like to weigh in with some advice of my own. If you remember anything from your eighth grade English unit on To Kill a Mockingbird, you’ll know you can trust me. I’ve spent decades in quarantine without going crazy (or any crazier than I was when they locked me up), and Animal Crossing didn’t even exist then.

DO make sure you have a good pair of scissors! You’re going to have a lot of time on your hands, so you’re going to want scissors for arts and crafts projects. Or when the cabin fever starts to get to you, and your roommate tweets for the fourth time about missing Coachella, you can simply plunge the scissors into their thigh to make your frustration known!

Going on walks in the fresh air is great for your health, but it can be tricky to keep that mandatory six foot radius on a crowded Maycomb sidewalk midday. DO consider taking your walks deep in the forest at night! As a bonus, you might run into the local racist about to murder your favorite neighborhood children, one of whom may be dressed as a ham, and get to strangle him in their defense! That’s great exercise, and lots of fun! Pro tip: when you take the children back to their house, it’s still important to maintain that distance, so DO stand as far away as possible from them, even if it means standing creepily in the corner of their bedroom! 

Writing is another great distraction and a great outlet for your emotions! Start that bullet journal you’ve pinned so many times on Pinterest but said you only weren’t making because you didn’t have the time! But DON’T write a sequel to your novel in which the protagonist’s father, often lauded as the greatest character in the American literary canon, is revealed to actually be a racist! Repeat after me, Harper Lee: Being a recluse is no excuse!

Last, but certainly not least, quarantine can be boring, so DO turn to hunting for some solitary entertainment.  DO shoot all the bluejays you want if you can hit ‘em, but DON’T kill any mockingbirds!

© 2020