By Boo Radley

In the last few weeks I’ve noticed a lot of articles giving advice on how to pass the time in quarantine, and as someone who’s been practicing social distancing since before the Spanish Flu, I’d like to weigh in with some advice of my own. If you remember anything from your eighth grade English unit on To Kill a Mockingbird, you’ll know you can trust me. I’ve spent decades in quarantine without going crazy (or any crazier than I was when they locked me up), and Animal Crossing didn’t even exist then.

By Your Local Doorknob Licker

All of you think you have it so bad--not being able to go to your favorite restaurant, catch a movie with your new crush, or have that fifth gin and tonic at the local bar in another fit of self loathing--but let me tell you something… You do not know true anguish until you have your one passion in life ripped from your hands because some fuckers decided not to wash their hands.