and entering

LEAKED: Paul Ryan's List of Conditions for Speaker of the House Position

Rep. Ryan announces his intentions to maybe run for Speaker of the House based on conditions that may or may not be met by the end of the week or sometime this weekend.

WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.

"Firstly, I want gum," the printout reads in bolded, italicized, and yellow Comic Sans font. "Not just a stick of gum-- the whole pack. If a single piece is missing or even bent, you can just start heading toward RadioShack, because you're gonna need a new speaker."

"Next, I want family time," the memo continues. "I want all of you to interact with my family. That means recitals, Mother's Day, and Easter. No more ignoring my kids when they're trying to show you their yo-yo tricks. Those are damned good tricks, and you're gonna watch them."

"Third, everyone must give me friendly backrubs when they see me and say 'Hey there, buddy!' in every greeting. Even the women." Ryan added, "Or else."

Finally, after several pages of block quotes from Ayn Rand novels, Ryan demanded: "I get to pick what we have for lunch every single session. I hope you all like Blimpie sandwiches and Cracker Stacker lunchables!"
"I'd be happy and willing to serve as your Speaker," the message concludes. "I also wish for unlimited wishes! Ha! I bet you thought I'd forget that one! You have until the end of the week."
At press time, Ryan refused to comment but was seen rubbing all the lamps in the chamber of the House Committee on Ways and Means.

© 2015