I heard you’re looking for a Republican lawmaker who’s socially and economically conservative, but not in an off-putting way. Well, look no further than me, because I’m not like those other Republicans. I’m a moderate.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – As Housing Day approaches, freshmen commonly find themselves struggling to form blocking groups. Not so for Geoffrey Dunkirk ’20, dedicated member of the Harvard College Republicans. In a decision “easier than categorically voting no on a Dem-sponsored bill,” Dunkirk chose to block with seven other like-minded College Republicans on Sunday.
After a recording of Donald Trump making misogynistic comments about women emerged this weekend, many in the Republican Party have denounced the party's nominee. Some believe the already-fragmented GOP has reached its breaking point. But just how bad is it? Satire V has compiled a list of things that are in better shape than the Grand Old Party:
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Looking fearfully out of the windows of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the last surviving band of principled Republicans prepared for a standoff with a horde of Trump voters.
“We might not survive the night,” said one of the Republicans, who went only by the single name “Jeb,” as the cries of vague economic populism echoed in the distance. “They tore Kasich apart.”
“They’re almost here!” a lookout from the roof called down, “Pull out your concealed weapons!”
MANILA, PHLIPPINES — With Donald Trump assuming the Republican presidential nomination and Rodrigo Duterte elected the newest president of the Philippines, the citizens of the world collectively announced today that look, maybe we should just forget about the whole Democracy thing. “It was nice while it lasted, I guess. But I think it’s clear it’s just not working anymore,” said Manila resident Abian Ramos, who now has to live under a legitimately elected president who once joked that it was a shame a rape victim was so beautiful, because he wish he had been first.
With Senate Republicans refusing to vote on any potential nominee for the Supreme Court, many have speculated as to who Republicans hope to nominate in the event that they win the coming presidential election this November. To that effect, Satire V presents the conclusive list of potential Republican nominees:
1. The ghost of Antonin Scalia.
2. The ghost of Ronald Reagan.
3. Casper, the friendly ghost.
4. The ghost of Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of the free market.
After returning home early this morning following the Iowa caucuses, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush softly used a magnet to adorn his refrigerator with a blue ribbon simply labeled: “PARTICIPANT.”
Recent allegations have surfaced that I am not tough. Ask anyone who really knows me though and you’ll hear the truth: I’m the hardest, meanest son of a gun ever to walk this earth.
I’ve always had a “don’t mess with me” attitude. In seventh grade I once fought a kid and beat him up so bad that he moved to another country where he can never be located or contacted or anything so don’t try to find him because you won’t be able to. No one saw it, but it happened. And I swear to God if he shows his face again I’ll send him to another solar system.
WASHINGTON, D.C — Earlier today, Rep. Paul Ryan told House Republicans that he is willing to serve as Speaker of the House, but only on his terms. A leaked list of his demands confirms that the Wisconsin representative does indeed want the support of every GOP bloc, but that is the least of his concerns. Satire V obtained an exclusive copy of Ryan's list of demands.
WASHINGTON, DC-- In front of a throng of reporters today on Capitol Hill, a small group of obstructionist, far-right congressmen announced their plans to overcome partisan gridlock and national political disillusionment by working together to alienate the GOP, Congress, and the nation.
The press conference came after House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) withdrew from the race to replace House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), who plans to resign at the end of October.
