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LEAKED: Transcript of Hillary Clinton’s Tech Support Phone Call

The transcript was discovered in Anthony Weiner's typewriter.

JANUARY 15, 2015

Tech Support: To speak to a representative, please say, “representative.”

Hillary Clinton: Representative.

TS: This call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

HRC: Honey, all calls are monitored, but it ain’t for quality—

TS: Hi this is Meredith speaking. How may I help you today?

HRC: Oh hi there Meredith! I’m having a bit of a problem with my private server and I was wondering if you could help a sister out.

TS: Sure ma’am I’m available to assist you today. Let me just go ahead and ask what your name and date of birth are for purposes of our records.

HRC: Of course. My name is Hillary Clinton and my date of birth is October 26, 1947.

TS: [Pause] Alright ma’am that checks out. Thank you for calling us today. How may I be of assistance?

HRC: Well, uh, it looks like my private server has gone haywire. A few thousand of my emails just vanished and I can’t get them back. This call is being recorded right Meredith?

TS: Yes ma’am this call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes.

HRC: Good. Anyway, do you have any idea what I should do about my server? Those emails are very important and I wouldn’t want them to permanently vanish or anything.

TS: Okay ma’am so you’re telling me that several thousand emails have vanished from your server. Have you wiped the server, ma’am?

HRC: What, do you mean like with a cloth?

TS: No ma’am, I mean “wipe” in the figurative sense.

HRC: Ha, ha! It was a joke.

TS: Sure thing ma’am. Let me just go ahead and pull up your records. It says here that the server was set up in 2009 in New York. Have you used it frequently since then?

HRC: Woo boy, you’re full of questions Meredith!  

TS: Yes ma’am. Do you use the server frequently?

HRC: You said this call is being recorded?

TS: Monitored or recorded for—

HRC: —quality assurance yeah yeah. That’s my girl. I do use the server pretty frequently, for the sake of convenience of course. Do you think I could get those emails back? It would be a shame if I couldn’t, because they are important emails and I care about them.

TS: I’m sorry ma’am. Unfortunately it seems you are no longer able to retrieve the emails you’ve lost. Whatever caused them to disappear was permanent.

HRC: Oh, no! Those were some important emails that I would never purposefully erase from my private server if they contained classified information and/or were related to state business.

TS: Of course not ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

HRC: No I think that’s it. Thanks anyway Meredith.

TS: Not a problem ma’am. You go ahead and have a nice day.

HRC: Perfect. That should do the trick.

TS: What was that, ma’am?

*Dial tone*

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