and entering

Local Store Jeff’s Fertilizer Emporium Boards Up Windows

store boarded up with plywood
The first casualty of the class war

KENNETT SQUARE, PA — All across the country, stores from Saks Fifth Avenue to Sweetgreen are preparing in advance for citizens to take to the streets after the historic 2020 election. Local store owner Dicky “Jeff” Martin surprised everybody on Tuesday morning when he, too, was spotted boarding up his windows. Jeff is betting that his store, the local Fertilizer Emporium, of which he is the third-generation owner, is going to be one of the prime targets.  

“The Fertilizer Emporium is one of the finest establishments in this town,” said Jeff. “I’d be really surprised if it didn’t get looted. After all, the thoroughbred racehorse manure is $45 a pound. Pretty valuable stuff.”  

The reason that Jeff believes his store will be a target of looters is because he believes that townspeople perceive the store as representing “tradition” and “the old guard.”  Jeff says, “I mean, I don’t feel this way, but I think the good townspeople perceive the Fertilizer Emporium as being somewhat of a lofty institution — something from a bygone era. People really do think that this is the closest thing this town has to a Neiman Marcus, but they’re just completely wrong.” 

Jeff was visibly distraught about the prospect of having his family-owned store be a casualty of the election. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Jeff. “I voted for Biden. But I just don’t think violence is the answer, especially when the victims are small businesses on Main Street like mine.” 

Other residents of Kennett Square are confused by Jeff’s reaction. “Where did he even get the money for the plywood?” said Bessie Williams. “The Fertilizer Emporium is fully insolvent, and additionally, is located in an extremely remote part of town.”  

At press time, Jeff was spotted in the Home Depot parking lot, furtively thrusting spray paint into the trunk of his car. 

© 2020