and entering

Man Accused of Illegally Snuggling Mexican Immigrants

Above: A plainclothes officer attempts to break up a cuddling-in-progress.

Arizona state police are pressing charges against Nathan Greers, resident of Tucson, for allegedly approaching Mexican immigrants at random and snuggling them against their will. Greers, who was caught early this morning in an act of first-degree tickling, is accused of forcing non-consensual hugs, Eskimo kisses, and pillow talk onto more than fifty unsuspecting Mexicans since 2011.

 “It was horrible,” said Carlos Morales, one of Greers’ recent victims. “Walking home at night, the last thing I need is for a huge guy to come up behind me, put his surprisingly soft hands over my eyes, and whisper ‘Guess who?’ in my ear. I was so confused.”

 Investigators were first alerted to Greers’ indiscretions three months ago, when Mexican restaurants in the area began reporting a suspicious increase in unsolicited games of footsie, but were only recently able to pick up his trail.

 “Serial snugglers are smart, experienced criminals; they get started early,” explained Dr. Evan Truby, professor of criminal psychiatry at the University of Arizona. “As a child, the typical patient  would have engaged in systematic acts of affection towards small animals, petting them, feeding them treats, and generally venting his love on them, long before moving on to larger targets.”

 “The little spoons of this city can rest easy once again,” said Tucson Chief of Police Mike Hodges. “Our futons, picnic blankets, and sofas are once again safe. Even if they do seem bit big and lonely now.”

© 2013