CHICAGO, IL- Today, revolutionary entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed her
self-reported “deepest, darkest secret” to a studio audience today during the taping of
her daily afternoon show.
“I’m the greatest,” she started off. “I have literally changed the world. I’m super
fucking rich, I have a boyfriend named Steadman (not to mention some Gayle on the
side), I give away cars to menopausal women on a regular basis, and,” she took a
moment of dramatic pause at this point, “I founded and currently run an earth-
shatteringly important book club.”
At this point, Winfrey brought one of her large bodyguards on stage to rest on her
couch; she then proceeded to sit on his lap. “Ladies and gay gentlemen in the audience
today- I have something to tell you.” The bodyguard pulled a handkerchief out of his
pocket and dabbed Oprah’s misty eyes. “I do not know how to read.”
The audience at once started to go into fits: twelve women fainted, as well as
another twelve who began to foam at the mouth. Amidst the chaos, Oprah could be
heard demanding, “Timothy, stroke my hair.” Timothy cradled her gently until the
surviving members of the audience had quieted down.
“I have decided to come out as illiterate today after being inspired by my dear
friend Lance Armstrong’s game-changing honesty. Yes, I know that a great deal of my
fame and adoration has been based on my ability to discern and process the English
form of the Latin alphabet, but, alas, I learned most of my fluency from watching Diners,
Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network. I’m sorry for any disappointment this has
caused my fans.
“To placate you all, you will find something that has recently become very near
and dear to my heart under your seats.” The thirty-four people in the studio that were
neither dead nor Oprah tentatively reached under their seats, quite unable to trust
anything at all anymore.
Winfrey went on, “Here you’ll find a twelve-CD set of Hooked on Phonics. My
next three weeks of shows will focus on my journey through the jungle of American
English. We will get through this together. Thank you for being a part of my journey as I
have been such a part of yours.”
