and entering

Oprah Comes Out As Illiterate

Oprah, full of lies.

CHICAGO, IL- Today, revolutionary entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed her

self-reported “deepest, darkest secret” to a studio audience today during the taping of

her daily afternoon show.


“I’m the greatest,” she started off. “I have literally changed the world. I’m super

fucking rich, I have a boyfriend named Steadman (not to mention some Gayle on the

side), I give away cars to menopausal women on a regular basis, and,” she took a

moment of dramatic pause at this point, “I founded and currently run an earth-

shatteringly important book club.”


At this point, Winfrey brought one of her large bodyguards on stage to rest on her

couch; she then proceeded to sit on his lap. “Ladies and gay gentlemen in the audience

today- I have something to tell you.” The bodyguard pulled a handkerchief out of his

pocket and dabbed Oprah’s misty eyes. “I do not know how to read.”


The audience at once started to go into fits: twelve women fainted, as well as

another twelve who began to foam at the mouth. Amidst the chaos, Oprah could be

heard demanding, “Timothy, stroke my hair.” Timothy cradled her gently until the

surviving members of the audience had quieted down.


“I have decided to come out as illiterate today after being inspired by my dear

friend Lance Armstrong’s game-changing honesty. Yes, I know that a great deal of my

fame and adoration has been based on my ability to discern and process the English

form of the Latin alphabet, but, alas, I learned most of my fluency from watching Diners,

Drive-Ins, and Dives on the Food Network. I’m sorry for any disappointment this has

caused my fans.


“To placate you all, you will find something that has recently become very near

and dear to my heart under your seats.” The thirty-four people in the studio that were

neither dead nor Oprah tentatively reached under their seats, quite unable to trust

anything at all anymore.


Winfrey went on, “Here you’ll find a twelve-CD set of Hooked on Phonics. My

next three weeks of shows will focus on my journey through the jungle of American

English. We will get through this together. Thank you for being a part of my journey as I

have been such a part of yours.”

© 2013