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Peace at Last! Joe Biden Pledges to Withdraw Troops from Vietnam

Joe Biden
In a staunch anti-war stance, Joe Biden promised to remove all troops from Vietnam.

In a press conference on Tuesday, former Vice President Joe Biden took a staunch anti-war stance and promised to remove all troops from Vietnam within his first two years in office. “President Trump has been lying to us about this war for far too long, and frankly the American people are sick and tired of the violence they learn about day after day on their transistor radios and in moving pictures,” Biden said.  “It’s time we focus less on the Viet Cong and more on the important issues, like fighting climate change and preserving Obamacare.”

Biden went on to tout his pro-peace record, reminding reporters that under President Barack Obama, he helped institute the League of Nations as well as the Nuclear Deal with Iran. “Both of these efforts helped make the world a safer, more peaceful place,” Biden said. “Trump, meanwhile, is a total puppet of Tsar Nicholas II, and is only making the world a more dangerous place.” 

Biden’s decision appears to have gone over well with his base. “I think we can all agree we shouldn’t have any troops in Vietnam right now,” said Harrold Noles, age 80, who plans to vote for Biden. “I haven’t heard any of the other candidates address that.” 

At the end of the conference, Biden announced that he would also be withdrawing troops from Kepler-442b. “It’s been too long since the end of the Great War of 12096 to justify our current presence there,” he said. Before any more questions could be asked, the former Vice President was wrapped in a cosmic blue haze and disappeared from the press conference instantly.

© 2019