NEW YORK, NY -- After a physical examination early Thursday morning in which Dr. Harold N. Bornstein M.D., Donald J. Trump’s physician, watched the President-elect cough up blood and eat three Big Macs on his exam table, Bornstein today released the following statement: “Donald Trump is the healthiest man alive. He is in perfect shape. I’ve never seen a healthier man in my life.”

Over the course of the approximately four-minute-long appointment, Bornstein claimed he administered a colonoscopy, ran an MRI, drew 14 vials of blood, removed Trump’s appendix (just a precaution), and chatted good-naturedly about the wife and kids. During this routine examination, Trump coughed up his weight in yellow-speckled blood, passed out twice, and choked on his own bile.

“Donald is not only the fittest man to ever serve as President,” Bornstein, a graduate of the South Venezuelan College of Medical Zoology, wrote in red crayon. “He is the fittest man to ever walk the face of the earth. Think about all the greats: Muhammad Ali. Pedro Martinez. Karim Abdul-Jabbar. Donald could deport—sorry, devour—them all for breakfast.”

At press time, an official speaking on the condition of anonymity privately revealed that the exam was in fact conducted via FaceTime, and that Bornstein himself is actually just a collection of eight Goldendoodle puppies in the shape of a human man.

Image Source: NBC Nightly News