TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Governor Chris Christie suspended his presidential campaign today after a poor performance in the New Hampshire GOP primary. At a press conference this afternoon, Christie admitted that the state had taken a big bite out of his campaign budget, and that he could not afford to continue.

 

"After years of preparation, the Trump campaign spoiled us," said Christie at the press conference. "It's like he took one of those meat cleavers, and just pounded, pounded, pounded us until we were nice and thin, and then dipped us in egg and breadcrumb and just fried us to perfection."

 

The steaks were high for the Christie campaign in New Hampshire, where the governor has held dozens of town hall meetings with prospective voters since his campaign launched in June 2015. "He was just too bitter," said one New Hampshire voter, Greg MacMahon. "I understand that he's a seasoned veteran with executive experience, but I like my candidates with a dash of optimism here and there." 

 

Other New Hampshire voters criticized Christie's low approval rating in his home state. "If New Jerseyans don't want a piece of him, why should we?" said Shelly Young. "I don't think we should be satisfied with another state's leftovers." However, Christie supporter Gerard Thomson disagreed with that common criticism. "Sometimes leftovers are good. You can heat them up in the oven or microwave and they taste just fine. I actually think that some pizza tastes better the next day," said Thomson. "Yeah, I can see that the metaphor is breaking down."

 

Don't stick a fork in the Garden State governor just yet, though. "I'm not going anywhere," said Christie during his announcement. "I'm going to spend the last two years of my governorship lingering like the smell of garlic after you chop it up and sauté it in your kitchen. Open all the windows you want, New Jersey. It's no use."