By Big Lettuce (TM)

Recently, there have bean lots of rumors surrounding the E. coli outbreak. The CDC and FDA released warnings about olive the lettuce originating in Arizona. We understand government propaganda can be a difficult maize to navigate for the common person, so lettuce be clear: There is absolutely no raisin to worry. So please, ROMAINE CALM.

LONDON – The British Cabinet, constructed by Prime Minister Theresa May, is now on the verge of collapse.

According to reports the May Cabinet, which had been propped up by the work of many different ministers and advisers, has serious structural issues. "Well first of all, it was built on an shoddy, unelected foundation," said architect Nigel Harrington. "But even though they've since added a democratic upgrade to the structure, I'm still wondering why the thing was built in the first place."

You want cake batter, treat us like we matter!

We cook your food, we make your meals, we just want a honey-graham-square deal!

No justice, no peas!

Low wages means no potato wedges!

If you want the buns, then cough up the dough!

You put us in a pickle, now make us a dill!

Strogaknock this off!

Sunflower butter doesn't make this better!

You want celery? We want salary! 

What's leafy, green, and good for you? Dollar bills and paychecks, too!

Your curly fries ain't curling when you strike with signs a-twirling. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In anticipation of Valentine’s Day, Plain Bagel is now looking for the perfect breadstick to fill the hole in her heart.

Bagel’s high standards can be hard for a carb to rise to. “He can’t be too thick or too long, and he kneads to be okay with leaving traditional gender rolls behind,” expressed Bagel. “Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he loaves to jam. My ex-breadstick was always raisin the roof.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- With the rise in popularity of gluten-free products, many baked goods are struggling to maintain a positive self-image—and a local plain bagel is no exception. Although relatively successful in cafeterias and continental breakfasts everywhere, she has had a long history with low self-esteem, and in recent years this has only gotten worse.