and entering


romaine lettuce
Big Lettuce (TM) is watching.

By Big Lettuce (TM)

Recently, there have bean lots of rumors surrounding the E. coli outbreak. The CDC and FDA released warnings about olive the lettuce originating in Arizona. We understand government propaganda can be a difficult maize to navigate for the common person, so lettuce be clear: There is absolutely no raisin to worry. So please, ROMAINE CALM.

Don’t give in to the pear pressure and throw away your wonderful, flawless, probably-not E. coli-infested lettuce from our home-factory-farm-grown products. Think of the thyme and care each of our wonderful, underpaid workers put in. They love the product so much they don’t even care that their celery is below minimum wage!

Sure, 31 people were hospitalized and five developed kidney (bean) failure, but mass hysteria will only exac-herb-ate the problem. Put your faith in ca-pea-talism! We may not carrot all about you as an individual, but our fibrous product is the king of the salad market, so wheat really appreciate it if you didn’t make a big dill about this whole E. coli thing.

To be fair, you all will forget about this by tomato. Let’s not beet around the bush: While Big Lettuce (TM) is in a pickle now, it’s not like vegetables are at the forefront of your mind. Since lettuce is the only vegetable you’ll actually eat, it’s not leek you’re not going to issue a slawsuit against us. We corn-trol this market, fools. You’re the Roman peasants, and we’re fucking Caesar (salad).

Image credit: NBC News

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