and entering

Rubinoff Announces New “Cigarettes” Flavor

Rubinoff bottle
For drinking outside as you shiver in your artfully-ripped jeans

MOSCOW, IDAHO — On Tuesday, budget vodka giant Rubinoff announced a collaboration with Marlboro to produce an addition to Rubinoff's extensive flavor collection: “Cigarettes.”

“We’ve already established a market as the drink of choice for fraternity members and broke college freshmen, and we’ve been looking to expand into a new market,” explained head of marketing Vladislav Jones. “This flavor is for sensitive, angsty, ‘starving artist’ types."

The final product will reportedly maintain “that signature Rubinoff taste of boat fuel, fire ants, and the inescapability of death,” according to Jones. Consumers have come to expect that from every flavor the brand has released thus far.

The new product adds the distinctive zest of Marlboro cigarettes. The effect is achieved, according to Rubinoff flavor engineers, by the delicate process of dropping about half a pack of cigarette butts into a handle of the "Original" flavor.

Concerns have arisen about the carcinogenic properties of cigarettes. In response, CEO Joe Rubinoff replied, “This is Rubinoff, people. Do you really think our customers care about their health?”

The announcement hinted at a larger line of flavors to be rolled out in the near future. Among the rumored new flavors are “Cool Ranch,” “Cheeseburger,” and “Keystone Light.”

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