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Rubinoff Announces New “Cigarettes” Flavor

Rubinoff bottle

MOSCOW, IDAHO — On Tuesday, budget vodka giant Rubinoff announced a collaboration with Marlboro to produce an addition to Rubinoff's extensive flavor collection: “Cigarettes.”

“We’ve already established a market as the drink of choice for fraternity members and broke college freshmen, and we’ve been looking to expand into a new market,” explained head of marketing Vladislav Jones. “This flavor is for sensitive, angsty, ‘starving artist’ types."

Harvard EMTs Pumped For Visitas

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Speaking after a recent meeting, local EMTs were thrilled that Visitas was less than a week away.

“Being an EMT is very rewarding, but sometimes it can get pretty dull,” explained Jenny Roberts, who has worked as a first-responder in the Harvard area for the last six years. “When we’re not responding to a call, we just sit in the back of the ambulance playing Settlers of Catan, so it’s always nice when we have a big event like Visitas that we know will give us something to do.”

After Hard Alcohol Ban, Speakeasies "Thriving" at Dartmouth

Dartmouth Bootlegger

HANOVER, NH—In the wake of a campus-wide ban on hard liquor, reports have surfaced of bootleggers establishing numerous speakeasies, often using fraternity houses as fronts, across the campus of Dartmouth College.

“It’s a nightmare,” reported Dartmouth’s Director of Safety and Security, Harry C. Kinne. “This policy is turning average students into criminals, and literally anyone who has a car into a folk hero."