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Satire V’s Guide to March Madness

The bracket that won the Satire V writer's pool last year.

Indianapolis, IN--It’s that special time of year again, when you squeeze into last summer’s shorts, go to JP Licks for something other than hot cocoa, and feign interest in sports for the ten minutes it takes to put together a bracket for March Madness. But wait—the only sporting event you watched in its entirety in the past year was Harvard-Yale football. And you were blackout drunk for that. What are you gonna do?

Have no fear! The crack sportswriting team here at Satire V has put together a handy cheat-sheet that will help you dominate your pool, whether it’s made up of extended family, block-mates, or even childhood friends who go to state schools.

Tip No. 1: Look for Dark Horses

Part of the magic of March Madness is that upsets happen all the time, so make sure to advance some of the low seeds for completely arbitrary reasons. Your linkmate from Jacksonville knows a guy at North Florida? Great, they’re beating Duke in the first round. Did you get high this afternoon? It’s a sign from God: the University of Alabama at Birmingham Blazers are going to the Elite Eight, even if they were 19-15 this season. Maybe you should just have Stephen F. Austin win it all—after all, they’re called the Lumberjacks, and you own a plaid flannel shirt.

Tip No. 2: When In Doubt, Base Your Decisions on Pop Culture

Trying to choose between Iowa State and UCLA in the Round of 32? Simple: it’s a match up between The Bridges of Madison County and Boyz N The Hood, and Laurence Fishburne is a total badass. Notre Dame vs. Kansas? Well, The Fault in Our Stars was set in Indiana, and Augustus liked basketball, so Notre Dame it is. While you may feel lazy for resorting to this tip, how else are you going to decide between, say, the Michigan State Spartans and Georgia Bulldogs if not by picturing a fight between King Leonidas and dog-on-a-skateboard?

Tip No. 3: Gooooo Crimsooooonnnnnn!

WOO HOO! Let’s fuckin’ go, Harvard! Fuck UNC, man! They don’t stand a fuckin’ chance! The hell is a Tar Heel, anyway? Ok, who’s next? The Arkansas Razorbacks? What, the Tweezerslegs was already taken? Ayyyoooo! We’re goin’ all the FUCKIN’ way, man! Wait, we lost to Virginia by 45 in the regular season? Shit shit shit! Where’s the Wite-Out? Fuck, never mind, just cross it out, cross it out!

Tip No. 4: Just use FiveThirtyEight.

Seriously, man. There’s no way you’re doing better than a computer.

© 2015