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The Only Beautiful Sex is the Handjob I'm Giving to the Crimson Editorial Staff to Publish This Op-Ed

Sex week

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

The Crimson Arts Reviews "Snow Day"

"Snow Day" Flawed But Compelling

By Galadriel T. Winnowsworth

Snow, from the Old English snaw, meaning “snow,” and day, from the Latin diem, meaning day. These are the building blocks of a snow day. Today’s Snow Day deconstructs the typical snow day, breaking it down to its most basic parts. It is this attention to the fundamentals that has made Snow Day such a rousing success among audiences across Harvard.

Lampoon Writers Excited for Annual Campus Relevance

The Lampoon "Castle"

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Writers on the staff of the Harvard Lampoon, a local group of mostly sullen white men, expressed excitement Tuesday as they basked in the glow of their annual instance of campus relevance.

"Ordinarily, only weird high schoolers and our families read what we write," said Lampoon President Mark V. Steinbach '17, taking time away from participating in the organized harassment of aspiring writers to speak to reporters. "But when we publish our yearly Crimson parody, woo boy! That's a rush!"

Scathing Crimson Op-Ed Going to Finally Make the Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Late Thursday night Eloise Miller ‘18, a Crimson op-ed writer, put the finishing touches on what she described as “a real doozy.”

“This one is going to really be the one that makes a difference. It’s going to finally wake people up to the real issues on this campus,” Miller stated. “This might be the article that gets me a job at a real paper, like Upworthy or even Buzzfeed.”

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

Satire V’s Guide to March Madness

Indianapolis, IN--It’s that special time of year again, when you squeeze into last summer’s shorts, go to JP Licks for something other than hot cocoa, and feign interest in sports for the ten minutes it takes to put together a bracket for March Madness. But wait—the only sporting event you watched in its entirety in the past year was Harvard-Yale football. And you were blackout drunk for that. What are you gonna do?

Crimson Reporter Unreasonably Proud of Pun

Sources say Harvard Crimson opinion writer Sam Thulman, ’16, is chuckling to himself in the newsroom over a brilliant play on words, after using the term “nocturnal emissions” to describe the ongoing issue of light pollution in the Boston night sky.

Emboldened by Success, Crimson Calls for Secretary of Transportation to Resign

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After receiving over thirty comments on its editorial calling for Dean Hammonds’ resignation, a power-mad Editorial Board has decided that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is no longer fit for his job. 

According to a leaked source, the editorial, which will appear in tomorrow’s paper, condemns LaHood for his management of the construction on JFK St. last year, and his refusal to give a straight answer about whether the T is going to ever run after 2am.

Flyby House Rankings 2013

1. Tyler Perry’s House of Payne

2. Waffle House

3. House Lannister

4. House of Cards

5. House Un-American Activites Committee

6. Swedish House Mafia

7. Ronald McDonald House

8.  Little House on the Prairie

9. House arrest

10. National Lampoon's Animal House

11. Cabot House

12. "House of the Rising Sun"

Warning: Do Not Comp

A Guest Editorial by The Crimson Staff

If you think The Crimson’s editorial staff are bad at their jobs, don’t come to our meetings. If you think our article quality has gone downhill lately, don’t write for us. Most importantly, if you think our policy of separate bathrooms for white and non-white staffers is wrong, don’t comp.